Einstein’s words: “You cannot solve a problem at the level in which it was created” have never been truer than in those painfully dead end and stuck places we find ourselves.
Take for example, a person needing to share a vulnerability with their partner in order to get a need met. The stuck place of the relationship has a pre-set choreography that might go something like this: if either partner dares to risk being and speaking up with vulnerability, the partner chooses to get defensive, assuming the share is really an attack, thus putting the partner on the defensive. The choreography plays out where both partners blame other and defend self. This is followed by a well rehearsed need for both to retreat while off looking for inner validation. The original need is still unresolved and now has added stress from the blame and attack which ensued as one expressed a need. The ongoing choreography for this couple has each person returning to the relationship with unresolved issues and resentment, plus some painful wounds in need of healing. No place for safe expression, needs go unexpressed, or shared in toxic ways. The couple remains at a dead end, because the level at which the problems are created are unable to find resolution.
A third example illustrating this is the couple where one holds the role of silence, and walks on eggshells because they believe if they open up, their partner will retaliate in anger and aggressive words. To avoid the anger, they hold back, and build a silent arsenal of resentment. Guaranteed that until a new level of problem solving is implemented, this couple will find no satisfactory resolution.