How long does one stay in a relationship that drains them of energy?

What will wake one up to the personal cost of living in a toxic relationship?

The mind has an amazing ability to weave convincing stories that distort or deny the evidence of a relationship in trouble. Such stories perpetuate false hope for better days in the marriage. Magical thinking presumes the situation will right itself.

An early course correction could put the relationship back on track without much effort and with pleasant results. Unfortunately, too many couples postpone outside help and live with increasing loss of happiness, loss of self, and loss of joy in relationship. This comes with relationship dangers as couples create a new normal that breeds distrust, disrespect, and dismissal. In such a death spiral, couples tolerate blame and criticism as the go to tool for conflict. They resign themselves to a joyless life, and they limit the possibilities of a better life, whether together or apart.

The pain of a chronically ailing relationship is palpable. The couple can relate painful details stretching back for years. So many say their long time friends notice that their laughter and happiness is gone. The former person they knew is not the person they have become. When asked why they stay, their response inevitably is “for the sake of …”

The truth few can admit to is the fear that keeps them there.

When living with chronic and toxic relationship behaviors, people suspend reason and perspective. They convince themselves to believe in miracles. Listen and hear them say, “Someday, my partner will wake up and stop disrespecting me.” “Someday, I will be able to change enough so my partner accepts me and loves me again.” “If only I can be more of what they want in me . . .” These speakers ignore their truth, their confidence, and their ability to see the evidence for what it is.

If nothing changes, then nothing changes. Disrespect does not encourage respect. Negative regard does not become positive regard. Blamers do not “see the light” and begin to take responsibility for their part. Not without an outside perspective or catalyst to shake up the status quo.

How long do we stay? We stay until the moment arrives where we realize that the pain of what we’ve lost is greater than the fear of leaving.