Everyone is guaranteed some measure of pain in their lifespan. What each person makes of that pain determines whether they will see themselves through to happiness or suffer the pain. It is not so much the circumstances they are in that adds to, or takes away from, their happiness, rather it is the ‘inside attitudes, beliefs, and interpretation’ of the circumstances.

Let’s take a typically painful event , divorce, and compare the differences of how two groups approach it. Presume both groups experience circumstances which are roughly parallel. In other words, neither group has more or less in the way of resources, challenges, and loss.

Those willing to make the most of difficult circumstances can be summed up in the quote “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” The situation is difficult and hurts. This group is willing to explore the possibility that the event is both hurtful AND meaningful. This group will look for meaning within pleasurable and painful events, and will grow from the experience . They move forward with their lives. They will be more resilient because of their choices. The attitude this group holds opens them to greater contentment.

At the other end of the spectrum are those who seem to enjoy the pain, while complaining at length about it. At face value, they are not in control of their own lives, nor any part of the difficult situation. They actually add suffering on top of their pain. By choosing to step into a victim mentality, they insure more pain and even suffering of that pain. You recognize this person by the stories they repeat. Nothing changes, regardless of how many times it’s told; and no matter how many years have passed since it occurred. The storyteller is hurt, injured, or a victim of someone else. Erma Bombeck, sums up the attitude of this group, “If life is a bowl of cherries, why did I get all the pits?” This group is not happy, nor content with life. They spin drama around their pain. It gets them attention, without resolution, and without relief of pain.

Ideally, it’s best to exit your victim story as soon as you catch yourself in one. Regular indulgence in powerlessness insures unhappiness. Accumulation of events of powerlessness encourages a life that breeds dissatisfaction. Aim for making the most of the difficult situation. Seek small places where you have ability to take action. Notice the empowerment that comes with such action. Notice, too, that this is a mindset and is within your control.

Take the challenge

• Where are you holding on to an old story that casts you into the victim role? What would it take to move you into a new script with a happier storyline?
• Keep track of your mental activity for one week, noticing the storylines that fall on a continuum of happy or suffering. What small change in the script would advance you slightly along towards the happiness end of this continuum?
• Take an action to improve your mental scripts. Rewrite one script so you become your own hero/heroine. Live with this new script for a week. Notice how it feels and what differences are in your life.

© Maren Beckman Inc. All rights reserved.