Sarah (not her real name) was first elated, and then deeply hurt when her daughter called with the news. Sarah’s first grandchild was just born. Sarah’s daughter, the mother of the newborn, asked that Sarah not come to the hospital until the following day as “it would be awkward.” Sarah’s former husband and his new wife were there, visiting the new baby.  Sarah experienced a flash of feelings that took her all over the emotional landscape. She was devastated.

Divorce impacts all children, including the adults, though we tend not to give it much thought.

A friend of mine is currently in an emotional struggle about the approaching holiday. With seven months to go until Christmas, it seems quite a ways off for most of us. For my friend, it is painfully close to her heart. Important to her is her version of Christmas Eve, an event she has not participated in for six years.  It was six years ago that her adult children cast her in the role of “the one who left Dad.” After that, they excluded her from the Christmas Eve tradition every year. Oh yes, they would celebrate the holiday with her on another day, just not the traditional day, and just not with the familiar rituals.

The legal divorce balance sheet is a fairly straightforward list of all marital assets and debts. Valuable moments and dreams of shared events with children will not be on that balance sheet.  Working out agreements for these assets falls in the category known as the emotional divorce.  This area is anything but straightforward. Adult children make their own decisions. They also have their share of human hurts, needs and wants. They may harbor ill will to one parent, or they may simply feel uneasy and not know why.

For Sarah, there is no repeat performance, no second chance to fulfill the dream of being present at the birth of her daughter’s daughter. The emotional fallout post divorce came unexpectedly and hurt Sarah deeply. Her daughter made a choice which did not include Sarah.

In my friend’s situation, her challenge is reclaiming her traditional Christmas. For her, this asset is significant. It is steeped in meaningful and happy memories with family and her love of this particular holiday evening. This issue cannot be decided in a courtroom. It is in relationship territory and subject to family politics, where, in this case, certain parties leverage the value of the event, to soothe or protect their own pain or discomfort. Generally this choice hurts the relationship.

How families work out “who gets to attend what?” at significant events, depends on many factors, including:

• Emotional maturity of all involved
• Ability to accept the change and move on
• Degree of amicability among former spouses
• Acceptance of new partners
• Presence, or absence, of residual resentments, anger, hostility, blame, grudges, and fear of conflict
• Presence of inclusiveness, respect, compassion
• The ability of the adult children to cope in socially uneasy situations
• An attachment to the protection of one parent so she/he does not get hurt. It nearly always backfires, because the other parent will be hurt.

In a perfect world, everyone would have emotional maturity and courage to work through the relationship issues. And in that perfect world, issues would be resolved cleanly. Until that perfect world arrives, here are some strategies for dealing with emotional loss. 

Strategies for navigating emotional loss:

• Resist the desire to personalize someone’s choices even if you are the target of the hurt. Yes, this is a tough thing to do, especially if the hurt comes as a result of a choice made by one of your children.  When you stop personalizing, you’ll feel some relief. As much as their choice has hurt you, their motivation is more likely about protecting their own vulnerability than it is about hurting you. If you doubt this statement, turn it around. Do you believe your son/daughter is deliberately shutting you out so you will suffer? Is this a true statement? Chances are, this is a false statement.
• Avoid sliding into a victim story. A victim cannot take action, as the other players in the situation are beyond the victim’s control. As soon as you notice you are in victim mode, talk yourself out of it. Then ask yourself two important questions: What do I value that is being stepped on in this situation? How might I creatively honor these values? Be open to things looking a bit different than you originally desired. Brainstorm all sorts of possibilities. If you get stuck, ask a friend for input. Choose one and take action to implement it.
• Wait until you cool. Then gather information, asking questions that begin with one of two words: ‘how’ or ‘what’. Do not ask a ‘why’ question. It will only put the other person on the defensive and add to the relationship damages.
• Be inspired by my friend’s plan and take your own action. My friend is very wise and courageous. She is using her hurt to take action of benefit to everyone. She’s heard me say that any disturbance in a family system is neither good nor bad. Knowing this gives her the ability to step into her children’s perspective and recall how, in the past, they were hurt by similar choices she made. She plans to have conversations with each of her children and apologize for not having listened to them. This action will be a gift to everyone. Her hurt is still there, and now it can be a transformative agent.

©Maren Beckman Inc. All rights reserved.