Children experience transitions when their parents experience transitions. During divorce, the whole family is in a difficult transition. Children are the reluctant recipients of the changes. They have no, or little, say in the matter and yet the transition will have a major impact on their lives. At a time when children most need reassurance, parents are often preoccupied with their own circumstances and are less available to the children than they would like to be.

How children respond to divorce depends on varying factors, including the type of conflict they witnessed in their parents, their age, their maturity, and their coping skills. In general, all children of divorcing parents face the same challenges as the adults do, going through a difficult life transition. They have to adjust to the new situation. They grieve the loss of the family unit, even if they witnessed conflict. They may experience low confidence, self blame, defensiveness, confusion, powerlessness, anger, fear, and guilt. Younger children may pull away from friends. Teens and young adults may spend more time with friends and less with parents. Each child is unique and each will experience the process differently.

Tips for parenting while in a divorce process:

• Reduce expectations of “good parent” performance. These are not normal circumstances. Most adults find there is less time and energy than before. A new normal will return in time.
• Give yourself permission to make a lot of adjustments to meet the demands of the transition. The old ways may not work now. Instead of a well rounded and cooked meal, perhaps an occasional apple, carrot sticks, and peanut butter meal will suffice.
• Remember that transitions are temporary.
• Simplify and pull back. Instead of a big arts and crafts project, scale back. A simple reading aloud to school age children while they sit near or on your lap is sufficient. They want you more than the activity or things.
• Guilt and fear are luxuries you cannot afford during divorce, parent or not. You are more resourceful when not afraid.

During a transition, the two most difficult emotions a parent can parent from are guilt and fear.

• Guilt compromises good parenting. Beware of your guilt. It is a poor substitute for being a good parent.
• During transition, children need solid and consistent parenting. Anything less has them in greater uncertainty.  Maintain routines as much as possible.
• Notice where you are most fearful regarding your parenting. From fear, choices will go a different direction than when parenting from centered and clear thinking.

 Take the challenge:

• What standards are unrealistic at this time? What can you change now?
• Where is guilt or fear overriding typical parenting?
• Imagine that only the best possible outcome is guaranteed, how then do you parent?
• Here is an exercise to bypass guilt. Imagine your children are free of whatever you imagine in your guilt. From this place, what choices do you make as a parent?

If fear or guilt continues to elbow in on your parenting standards, seek outside professional coaching. While these emotions seem overwhelmingly large, they are easily reduced with a sound strategy and a different perspective.

©Maren Beckman Inc., All rights reserved.