We all want a relationship of satisfaction and happiness. Here are 5.75 myths which can stir up relationships. If you want to increase happiness, and who doesn’t, be assured that awareness is half distance to the solution. Now that you know, these myths won’t dare show up in your relationship.

1.  Healthy couples do not fight.  When couples say they never fight, chances are, their fights are pleasant, nor safe. An unsafe fight, with blame and accusations and defensiveness, is a conflict in which no one wants to participate.

All relationships have ‘grist for the conflict mill’. Healthy couples grind the ‘stuff’ of the conflict, never tearing down each other. No one likes conflict. Healthy couples respect themselves and their partner enough to take on the conflict.  No matter what the conflict, they hold their partner in deep and positive regard at all times. 

2. I can change him/her after we’re married.  This begs the question: what would have a person settling for less than what they want in an ideal partner? How respectful is it to settle for less or to plan to change the partner? Serious trouble is brewing for the relationship in which someone has to change once the “I do’s” are spoken. People cannot change someone else. An alternative is to create a list of desired traits for your ideal partner. What are your Must Haves? Hopefully, your partner meets everything on the Must Have list. If you are in a committed relationship, here’s the hard part. Be honest with yourself. Either the person meets your standards or not. If not, forget about changing them. Respect yourself and change partners.

3. If a relationship is on a bumpy road, getting something new, such as a pet, a new house, a new city, or a baby, will help. Any change brings stress. And new things require a certain amount of attention. A new house means moving, unpacking, and learning a new neighborhood or city. A new baby requires intense attention. These are diversions and do nothing to improve the relationship. Adding a new stressor to an already stressed situation only shifts the focus away from the relationship stressor. 

4. We’re intelligent people. We ought to be able to figure this out on our own. Resolving the problem has little to do with intelligence. Creating a plan of action, and carrying it out is much different than having the ability to figure things out. Often couples stuck in the rut of their perpetual problem are quite knowledgeable of the problem. Both know the situation and the other person’s terms. Without an outside perspective to extract them from the rut, the situation is cursed to replay over and over again. This myth is reminiscent of the movie Groundhog, where the intelligent main character woke up to the identical day, every day; all circumstances were exactly as yesterday.

5. One partner can hold a relationship together. One person cannot do the heavy lifting for the relationship anymore than one pole can hold taut a tightrope. Like tightropes needing two equally stable poles, both partners create a strong relationship. If only one person nurtures and tends a relationship, the other is under-appreciating and falling short of responsibility. Both need to care about the relationship.  To optimize satisfaction, both need to listen, invest, share, and act towards the health and success of the relationship.

5.5 If we talk about it, that’s good enough.  Relationships are much like gardens. If you want to grow a garden, you have to plan, dig, plant, and tend it. Talking without action will not produce results, whether it’s a garden or a relationship. This is so obvious, and much like Point #4 above. If nothing changes, well…  Many couples do the talking, and without the follow up, all that changes is the level of frustration. What action is required to follow through on the change you want for your relationship?

5.75 Maybe it will go away on its own. Not a chance. Change is inevitable. Either you are working towards a desired change or change is taking it a different direction.

©2010 Maren Beckman Inc. All rights reserved.