Fortunately most of us never encounter an Emotional Vampire. For those who live with one, or did and need to co-parent with one, an excellent resouorce is the book Emotional Vampires, by Albert J. Bernstein. 

How do you know if one exists in your life? Ask yourself the following:

• Do you feel perpetually drained around this person?
• Are you confused about what is reality?
• Do you feel you are always to blame? 
• Do you feel badgered and worn down by the other person nearly all the time?

Perhaps you are dealing with an Emotional Vampire. Here are some excellent tips to help you understand, and best navigate their world in order to take control of your own life.  

1. Know them, know their history, and know your goal: you can expect the future behaviors to be like past behaviors. Your goal: to not be drained by the vampire.

2. Get outside verification: you are not crazy. You are not to blame.

3. Demand what you want from them clearly and up front. This is particularly difficult, and important, if you see yourself as a giver. With Narcissists, unless you’re willing to take, you will be taken. Rejoice in your giving ability that has you part of contributing and belonging to groups. Narcissists are condemned to live in a world where nothing can be bigger than their own egos.

4. Pay attention to actions, not words: key word is Accountability. Specify clear time limits, clear tasks, deadlines. Narcissists slip away from accountability, often focusing attention away from themselves by blaming you.

5. Narcissists want you to think they are special. If you see a sad, frightened person who would be grateful if someone cared, watch out! And be even more careful if you see someone who needs to be made an example of because of his or her sensitivity. The example will be you. Narcissists have the frightening capacity to turn into underdogs as soon as you attack them.

6. Pick your battles. Narcissists don’t understand empathy, and they’re never going to understand by listening to what you tell them. With well-chosen words and well-constructed contingencies, you may be able to get them to change annoying Narcissistic behaviors, but not the narcissism underneath.

7. Let contingencies do the work. Narcissists talk big and cannot carry out the plan. They cannot succeed because they can’t make themselves do things they don’t want to do. Make sure your dealings with them are structured so that they get the biggest rewards for actually doing the difficult stuff rather than just talking about it.

8. Choose your words as carefully as you pick your battles. Words to be most careful about are any that may sound like criticism. No matter how constructive, no matter if this is how they criticize, the tiniest of criticism feels like the fiery sting of a crucifix.  Unless given exceedingly well, criticism will not teach them anything. They make a lot of mistakes that they do not recognize on their own. Criticism is a tool that is easy to use badly with Narcissists, or anyone. Unless very careful, it’s easy to do more harm than good. When you need a behavior change, an alternative to criticism is:

9. Give more praise than Criticism

10. Don’t be spontaneous. Given in the moment, criticism often comes with emotions, not a planned intervention (for behavior change)

11. Know your goal. What do you want the vampire to do as a result of what you say? Sometimes a simple request is the best criticism.

12. Ask permission. “Are you open to some feedback?” Wait for a “Yes” from the vampire.

13. Criticize the behavior, not the person. Beginning with “you are” is nearly always seen as an attack. Rather than “you are insensitive.” A better approach is to say, “When you answered before I finished talking, I felt put down. Is that what you intended?” Or simply ask a vampire to wait until you finish talking.

14. Give the vampires an out. Allow a socially acceptable reason for making a mistake before you say what the mistake was. Begin your criticism with “I know you’re busy …” or some other statement that implies the vampire was trying to do a good job.

15. Rehearse. Practice criticizing. Say what you’d like to say to them aloud and think how it would feel if someone said that to you. And multiply by 10.

16. Give the vampire time to think. If the vampire responds immediately, it will most likely be a “blame on you” and explanation on how he or she is right. You say, “I don’t expect you to answer immediately—we’ll talk about this tomorrow.” This discourages defensiveness (one of the 4 horsemen) Remember to say it and walk away.

17. Ignore tantrums. This is the tactic that gets Narcissists their own way. They practice as though tantrums were a martial art. And they hold black belts. Despite this, the tantrums are relatively easy to tune out. Anger is a form of theatre and Narcissists are terrible actors. They don’t pay enough attention to their audience to draw people into the performance. Remember, they cannot sell much of anything. Tantrums are their own form of manipulative emotional explosions. Guilt tantrums; self blame tantrums; self pity tantrums: none are deep, nor long lasting. They are manipulations.

18. Know your own limits. Narcissists require an enormous amount of praise, attention, and other supplies. As with pigeons in the park, when you run out of popcorn, they fly away. Sometimes it’s best to let them. When their going gets too rough, they can create an alternate reality for themselves and retreat into it forever.

Special note: If children are involved, you will have an ongoing relationship with this person for some time. Unless you have a successful strategy, you will continue to be worn down. I urge you to do three things to reclaim your life.

1. As difficult as it may be, follow these tips. They work.
2. Read the book Emotional Vampires for more in depth information.
3. Contact me and we will create a customized strategy. You will preserve your schedule, your life and your sanity.