One of my favorite places is a local lake with an inlet surrounded by many large trees on three sides. On a still day the large trees of the wooded area are reflected on the surface. It is a beautiful tranquil place.  On windy days the open waters churn with driving waves. The wooded inlet, sheltered from the force of the wind, remains quite calm.

This lake offers more than beauty, through its lessons on creating shelter from the winds of life.

Respect and protection of feelings, health, thoughts, self image, and well-being are almost always at issue when undergoing divorce. Establishing exquisite boundaries, drawing lines and setting limits, is an excellent first step in providing a healthy space just for you. Exquisite boundaries are the means by which you can divorce from an outer world and enter into your personal sanctuary.

We cannot control the winds. We can reduce the impact by planting trees and taking shelter. Think of boundaries as these trees of shelter:

• What winds are blowing in your life?
• Where are you most disturbed?
• Where on the list of “to do’s” is self care?
• How long have you been without proper nutrition? A good nights rest?
• Many in divorce are fatigued from too little sleep. What might you design to secure eight hours sleep every night?
• Where and to what do you need to say no?

How do you want to feel as you go through this transition? Notice what churns you up.

The wind brings in many disturbing emotions, thoughts and events. How you respond or react determines your level of equilibrium or distress. Boundaries are helpful for restoring calm and sanity. Set limits with the obvious as well as the more subtle. There is no order, nor priority other than what works best for individuals and circumstances.  Subtle things include: How safe do you feel when with your spouse or ex? How at ease are you? How much respect is there for each other? How afraid are you when in the presence of your spouse or your ex? Do you notice dread at the thought of seeing him/her? Pay attention to these feelings. They are signals to take different care of you.

One woman’s example demonstrates how to hold boundaries and remain calm. When her former partner failed to meet an agreement to pre-arranged child care, she chose to assert her boundaries. She had an important appointment. How would she allow ‘his’ no show for the kids to impact her? She had a strong wind blowing into her life. On the continuum of reacting and responding, she had choices. She could choose to churn herself by reacting with drama, by cancelling her appointment and stewing in anger all day, or by heated calls to locate him and tell him off. That’s the white cap wave perspective. Instead, she chose to stay as close to neutral as possible for her. She calmly called his cell phone, located him at work, and informed him she’d be there in 15 minutes with the children. She entertained no excuses, kept the appointment and reported a satisfactory day. She maintained self respect. She had exquisite boundaries. Did she experience total calm? No. His no show caused ripples in her life. She made conscious choice on how to respond based on predesigned boundaries.

Boundaries are not walls and are not ways to control others. Boundaries say, “I respect me.”

Good boundaries make us feel good about ourselves.  They call for honest assessment followed up by action. The challenge is to find the courage to build and enforce that sanctuary of wellbeing. Sometimes enforcing them is extremely difficult, especially if personal boundaries and self respect are new behaviors.

One woman faced such a challenge. She left an emotionally abusive relationship to save herself. There was one catch. She listened to her husband’s accusation that their divorce would harm the kids and it would be her fault. She was disempowered when under the influence of that thought. If she continued to believe him, her waters churned. She would be like that wide open body of water subject to the winds. Instead she created a plan to bolster confidence and esteem by setting boundaries about her thought processes. She took action on those boundaries by asking others for ongoing positive feedback. She alone was in charge of what she wanted to believe. She chose boundaries to protect her new found sanctuary of well-being.

Exquisite boundaries fortify the spirit and facilitate the essential development of healthy feelings about self. Many people want what comes from a protected inlet – calm, confidence, serenity. By nature, a divorce process is packed with unsettling high winds. Without boundaries, the unnecessary stuff of the world will blow in and stir things up. Exquisite boundaries reduce the negative impact and drama. Where can you create peace right now? What small thought or behavior can turn around today? Strive to create a protected inlet so when the winds blow through your life you are calm.

Designing exquisite boundaries pushes the unnecessary out of the way and clears the way for more living life from your true self. If enforcing big boundaries right now is overwhelming, start with something small. After all, those large trees at my favorite wooded lake spot began as saplings. What is in your power to create your sanctuary of calm?

(c) Maren Beckman, 2010