Someone asked me: With the holidays here, the distance between us (literally) is challenging me and my family. Do you have any resources that specifically help with maintaining relationships with family members when living out of state?

First of all, geography makes things very challenging. Nothing beats the physical presence of loved ones at the holidays. And there are ways to make the distance less “far”. Holidays seem to emphasize the distance in bold highlights. I wish I had the antidote to that pain. I do have some tried and true things to lessen the pain and create some fun in the process.

Tip 1: I highly recommend including family using the resources you already have: phone, video cam on computer, etc. For example, when my son was in military and it was holiday, we would keep his phone call going throughout the entire meal. The phone was passed person to person and back again. That way, he was with us in the best way possible with the resources we had. On holidays, his cell phone minutes would be free. The conversation was sometimes a simple reporting of goings on at the table, like “Uncle Ed put his sleeve in the gravy again.” Then my son knew what the laughter was about. He enjoyed hearing the sounds, the conversation, etc.

These days, Skype is available. Some phones have video capacity, with various Apps. Can you bring a laptop to the table and share the holiday with family elsewhere? Can they set up with their camera and computer as well?

Tip 2: Do something together even though you are miles apart. I’ll explain. Seven years ago, the thought of spending my first Christmas Day alone was overwhelmingly painful. Instead of dwelling on “alone”, I chose to do here what my sisters were doing there. After a meal, all of them were heading to a movie, an afternoon matinee. We called and together we selected the movie all of us wanted to see and the time that would best work in both locations. We went to the same movie and afterwards we called and shared what was enjoyable about it. We have shared movies many Christmases since in just this way. And it’s a whole lot of fun! I cannot imagine if I’d instead chosen to sit here in a self pity pot.

Tip 3: Invite yourself in to other friend or family gatherings and let yourself go with that new “family”. Be curious about what they do and how they gather. Imagine stories of who they are, who’s close and who’s not, etc. Let it be an adventure. It is not meant to replace family. It is something fun and new and different. Here are a couple of things I’ve done. (not that my family/kids are so far away. It’s just that they have other family obligations with their spouse’s family on Christmas Day.) For 2 consecutive years I went to my cousins for Christmas. I asked them if I could come. I know they are family, but we’d not shared a holiday since our grandmother died 30 years ago. It was wonderful to be with them. Now, it seems I am invited to come along with my son-in-law to his grandparents gathering. I am welcomed and find the time pleasurable.

Tip 4: This one is from a dear friend. She and her daughters have a weekly conference call Saturday mornings. They sometimes also have a separate conference call where they can share what is bugging them about the housekeeping that needs to be done. Then they make a commitment to get off the call, go do what they said they would do, and return to another call with their pride and accomplishment. One time they each decided that they would go for 20 minutes and quickly tidy up their places. Each knew the others were doing the same in their own homes. It makes the work less of a drudgery and serves to connect the three women. Sometimes they select a menu and every one prepares the same meal in separate homes. One of her daughters is a few blocks away. The other is quite a few states away. What works is the connection they nurture through these activities.

Though this is hard, there are things to do that lessen the pain of it all. I trust in you and your creativity. You are bright, and you are resourceful. So is each member of your family. What can you all create that will serve as the connector and memory maker while you live so far apart? Here’s the deal…I want to hear back what you guys create, okay?

I wish each of you a most wonderful Thanksgiving. – Maren

Alligator Thinking

Alligators are not good listeners and have no people skills.

They lack tact, respect, and
empathy. They are not good negotiators, nor are they problem solvers.

Imagine staring into the face of this guy, primed to eat your head off as you say, “Um…dear…um…you’ve left
the toothpaste cover off …again.”

Let’s be honest. If you are as uncomfortable with conflict as most, and this is what you fear each time you bring something up, you will think twice. Maybe you decide to live with the uncapped toothpaste, and slink away. Perhaps you are so frustrated, you snarl back and come out fighting.

What does an alligator have to do with conflict? We have a primitive brain wired much like this alligator. Our brains are really comprised of several parts, the oldest being the reptilian brain. It puts us on the defensive, brings out our claws and teeth, or motivates us to run for cover, as in the fight or flight response. This is hardwired into us. When threatened, we automatically go to this state. People react to conflict as predictably as this alligator, with as many people skills as the alligator. Now you understand why so many conflicts escalate into a mess. continue reading

I’ve been pulling an invasive plant, Creeping Charlie, out of my flower beds and lawn. I do not like it because it crowds and eventually chokes the plants already there. I have lots of Creeping Charlie…lots of time weeding and thinking about the similarity with how we live our lives. If we know our core values and live by them, there is little room for invasive, outside influences. But we don’t start there. As small children, we first take on the values of the adults in our lives. Later we begin to sort things out. We’re cool if those values from the outside align with our core values. When things do not align, inner conflict is the result. Our own beliefs are crowded out to the extent we live our lives by others’ values and not our own. Living an authentic life means each of us must live our own life, not as someone else would have us live it. Ready to do some weeding? What outside influences are keeping you from living your authentic life?

How long does one stay in a relationship that drains them of energy?

What will wake one up to the personal cost of living in a toxic relationship?

The mind has an amazing ability to weave convincing stories that distort or deny the evidence of a relationship in trouble. Such stories perpetuate false hope for better days in the marriage. Magical thinking presumes the situation will right itself.

An early course correction could put the relationship back on track without much effort and with pleasant results. Unfortunately, too many couples postpone outside help and live with increasing loss of happiness, loss of self, and loss of joy in relationship. This comes with relationship dangers as couples create a new normal that breeds distrust, disrespect, and dismissal. In such a death spiral, couples tolerate blame and criticism as the go to tool for conflict. They resign themselves to a joyless life, and they limit the possibilities of a better life, whether together or apart.

The pain of a chronically ailing relationship is palpable. The couple can relate painful details stretching back for years. So many say their long time friends notice that their laughter and happiness is gone. The former person they knew is not the person they have become. When asked why they stay, their response inevitably is “for the sake of …”

The truth few can admit to is the fear that keeps them there.

When living with chronic and toxic relationship behaviors, people suspend reason and perspective. They convince themselves to believe in miracles. Listen and hear them say, “Someday, my partner will wake up and stop disrespecting me.” “Someday, I will be able to change enough so my partner accepts me and loves me again.” “If only I can be more of what they want in me . . .” These speakers ignore their truth, their confidence, and their ability to see the evidence for what it is.

If nothing changes, then nothing changes. Disrespect does not encourage respect. Negative regard does not become positive regard. Blamers do not “see the light” and begin to take responsibility for their part. Not without an outside perspective or catalyst to shake up the status quo.

How long do we stay? We stay until the moment arrives where we realize that the pain of what we’ve lost is greater than the fear of leaving.

Everyone is guaranteed some measure of pain in their lifespan. What each person makes of that pain determines whether they will see themselves through to happiness or suffer the pain. It is not so much the circumstances they are in that adds to, or takes away from, their happiness, rather it is the ‘inside attitudes, beliefs, and interpretation’ of the circumstances. continue reading

Sarah (not her real name) was first elated, and then deeply hurt when her daughter called with the news. Sarah’s first grandchild was just born. Sarah’s daughter, the mother of the newborn, asked that Sarah not come to the hospital until the following day as “it would be awkward.” Sarah’s former husband and his new wife were there, visiting the new baby.  Sarah experienced a flash of feelings that took her all over the emotional landscape. She was devastated.

Divorce impacts all children, including the adults, though we tend not to give it much thought.

A friend of mine is currently in an emotional struggle about the approaching holiday. With seven months to go until Christmas, it seems quite a ways off for most of us. For my friend, it is painfully close to her heart. continue reading

Children experience transitions when their parents experience transitions. During divorce, the whole family is in a difficult transition. Children are the reluctant recipients of the changes. They have no, or little, say in the matter and yet the transition will have a major impact on their lives. At a time when children most need reassurance, parents are often preoccupied with their own circumstances and are less available to the children than they would like to be.

How children respond to divorce depends on varying factors, continue reading

We all want a relationship of satisfaction and happiness. Here are 5.75 myths which can stir up relationships. If you want to increase happiness, and who doesn’t, be assured that awareness is half distance to the solution. Now that you know, these myths won’t dare show up in your relationship.

1.  Healthy couples do not fight.  When couples say they never fight, chances are, their fights are pleasant, nor safe. An unsafe fight, with blame and accusations and defensiveness, is a conflict in which no one wants to participate.

All relationships have ‘grist for the conflict mill’. Healthy couples grind the ‘stuff’ of the conflict, never tearing down each other. No one likes conflict. Healthy couples respect themselves and their partner enough to take on the conflict.  No matter what the conflict, they hold their partner in deep and positive regard at all times.  continue reading

Fortunately most of us never encounter an Emotional Vampire. For those who live with one, or did and need to co-parent with one, an excellent resouorce is the book Emotional Vampires, by Albert J. Bernstein. 

How do you know if one exists in your life? Ask yourself the following:

• Do you feel perpetually drained around this person?
• Are you confused about what is reality?
• Do you feel you are always to blame? 
• Do you feel badgered and worn down by the other person nearly all the time?

Perhaps you are dealing with an Emotional Vampire. Here are some excellent tips continue reading

For most of us, we are our own worst enemies. Saboteurs are those self limiting thoughts that nag at us and keep us from moving life forward to fulfillment. When saboteurs take over, it seems impossible to find a solution or escape their oppression. They are masters of dead ends and life without possibility.

Saboteurs can be very loud and extremely convincing! Generally, they begin as a form of self preservation. Over time they become more negative and influential as they throw life out of balance. They muscle in and take over executive control. When that happens, expect continue reading