How to be Apart from Family at the Holidays
November 23rd, 2011 | No Comments
Someone asked me: With the holidays here, the distance between us (literally) is challenging me and my family. Do you have any resources that specifically help with maintaining relationships with family members when living out of state?
First of all, geography makes things very challenging. Nothing beats the physical presence of loved ones at the holidays. And there are ways to make the distance less “far”. Holidays seem to emphasize the distance in bold highlights. I wish I had the antidote to that pain. I do have some tried and true things to lessen the pain and create some fun in the process.
Tip 1: I highly recommend including family using the resources you already have: phone, video cam on computer, etc. For example, when my son was in military and it was holiday, we would keep his phone call going throughout the entire meal. The phone was passed person to person and back again. That way, he was with us in the best way possible with the resources we had. On holidays, his cell phone minutes would be free. The conversation was sometimes a simple reporting of goings on at the table, like “Uncle Ed put his sleeve in the gravy again.” Then my son knew what the laughter was about. He enjoyed hearing the sounds, the conversation, etc.
These days, Skype is available. Some phones have video capacity, with various Apps. Can you bring a laptop to the table and share the holiday with family elsewhere? Can they set up with their camera and computer as well?
Tip 2: Do something together even though you are miles apart. I’ll explain. Seven years ago, the thought of spending my first Christmas Day alone was overwhelmingly painful. Instead of dwelling on “alone”, I chose to do here what my sisters were doing there. After a meal, all of them were heading to a movie, an afternoon matinee. We called and together we selected the movie all of us wanted to see and the time that would best work in both locations. We went to the same movie and afterwards we called and shared what was enjoyable about it. We have shared movies many Christmases since in just this way. And it’s a whole lot of fun! I cannot imagine if I’d instead chosen to sit here in a self pity pot.
Tip 3: Invite yourself in to other friend or family gatherings and let yourself go with that new “family”. Be curious about what they do and how they gather. Imagine stories of who they are, who’s close and who’s not, etc. Let it be an adventure. It is not meant to replace family. It is something fun and new and different. Here are a couple of things I’ve done. (not that my family/kids are so far away. It’s just that they have other family obligations with their spouse’s family on Christmas Day.) For 2 consecutive years I went to my cousins for Christmas. I asked them if I could come. I know they are family, but we’d not shared a holiday since our grandmother died 30 years ago. It was wonderful to be with them. Now, it seems I am invited to come along with my son-in-law to his grandparents gathering. I am welcomed and find the time pleasurable.
Tip 4: This one is from a dear friend. She and her daughters have a weekly conference call Saturday mornings. They sometimes also have a separate conference call where they can share what is bugging them about the housekeeping that needs to be done. Then they make a commitment to get off the call, go do what they said they would do, and return to another call with their pride and accomplishment. One time they each decided that they would go for 20 minutes and quickly tidy up their places. Each knew the others were doing the same in their own homes. It makes the work less of a drudgery and serves to connect the three women. Sometimes they select a menu and every one prepares the same meal in separate homes. One of her daughters is a few blocks away. The other is quite a few states away. What works is the connection they nurture through these activities.
Though this is hard, there are things to do that lessen the pain of it all. I trust in you and your creativity. You are bright, and you are resourceful. So is each member of your family. What can you all create that will serve as the connector and memory maker while you live so far apart? Here’s the deal…I want to hear back what you guys create, okay?
I wish each of you a most wonderful Thanksgiving. – Maren
Tags: family, holiday, separation




